SINGLE & CONFIDENT PT.1

Ha! I'm not the dating expert! Had you nearly fooled...

I’m the divorced single mum, remember?

A failed marriage to the first Christian man I went out with and single ever since. NOT an expert.

But a couple of years ago, I stumbled upon a video from a dating/life coach that focussed some of the blurry thoughts around relationship and identity I had.

Here’s what Mr. Matthew Hussey, (IMHO, a rather Hugh Dancy-ish lookalike) explains. Breaking down confidence into three levels, he unpacks what it's made of.

Level 1 - Surface: BODY

This is what you look like, sound like, act like. As he says, confidence in this layer can be faked with a great wardrobe and assertive body language...but anyone who knows you well will see through the fakery.

Level 2 - Middle/Lifestyle: MIND

This is made up of your hobbies, interests, work and passions. What you do with your thoughts and energies. How you spend your time, talent and treasure. We all know people who have got this area nailed, and many who haven't (that includes me!)

I'll write about those two layers in later posts, but I think we need to start with...

Level 3 - Core: HEART & SOUL

This is your values system, your core beliefs, your identity, your deepest loves, your purpose for being.

Who you are, and why.

Actually Matthew Hussey doesn't say what I just typed. He says the core layer is the love you have for yourself.

In one way, he's not wrong. God says I'm to love my neighbour as I love myself. So we should love ourselves...and love others with as much passion and enthusiasm as we do our own selves.

Taken too far though, self-love takes over and harms others, purposefully or not.

But not everyone loves themselves. Some hate themselves, often because they've been hurt and trodden down by those meant to love them....or they've built up a picture of themselves that's false, as this Dove ad clearly shows.

And that's wrong too! If God makes a creature, declares it beautiful and lovable, so much so that he's willing to die for it, what right does that creature have to say it's unlovable and ugly?

And if you don't love yourself, how are you meant to love others well?

So here's my question: can we love well without knowing who we are?

I believe not. The Bible is quite clear about this:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind. Love your neighbour as you love yourself.  Luke 10:27

You need to know who you are. 

Hence why I renamed the third level 'HEART & SOUL'. Our souls are the core, the wellspring, the source, the seat, the essence of who we are. When we know 'the Lord our God' and as a result, who we are - everything clicks into place. When our souls are full, without lack, very little can crush or shake us. We love ourselves properly and love others much better.

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What does that have to do with being single?

So much of our search for the perfect relationship is looking to satisfy the lack in our lives.

Lack of friendship, understanding, stimulation, identity, affirmation, fun, admiration, shared interests, security, affection or sex.

Fed up of trying to complete ourselves, we long to hand over this weary task...a relationship seems the perfect answer! Along comes a new person who's interesting and interested and, tada! "The job is now yours, love" (or honey or darling or sweetheart).

And it works.

Our darlings, knowingly or unknowingly, begin the job of filling up where we've been lacking...

Cuddles, laughter, fun days out, deep chats, in-jokes, quiet companionship, teamwork, sexual stimulation, gifts, security, compliments, ego strokes, character exploration, shared wonder, comfortable silences.

It's all good and pleasant, like butter sinking into a warm crumpet.

It's the way God intended marriage to be: beautiful, sacrificial and mutually satisfying. 

But wait!

What about the ones who never find their darlings? Or those whose love walks away after 10 years? Or those whose soulmate dies? What happens to them?

Well, this is where those layers come back into play - unless that soul layer is solid, unless you know who you are and why you're here, what your purpose is - being alone may crush you and define you. It can become who you are.

I AM DIVORCED. I AM SINGLE. I AM WIDOWED. I AM LONELY. I AM ALONE.

But if you allow Jesus to fill you, to love you, to give you confidence, to satisfy the lack you feel, to be the spiritual butter sinking into your crumpety holes; you might feel lonely, sad, depressed, unloved by humans...BUT IT WILL NOT BECOME WHO YOU ARE.

Single, married, divorced, widowed or awaiting proposal, if your confidence is in Jesus, your relationship status will not ultimately define you.

Jesus has declared his love for you and wants you for his own. He knows you better than you know yourself.

Let him satisfy your lack.

Let him define who you are.

Come and find out more at the Meetup I'm leading - Who do you think you are?

Thanks for reading and keep an eye out for the next in this series...

WHAT TRAINSPOTTING IN EALING HAS TAUGHT ME

Embarrassing story alert...

I was enjoying a rare evening out with Mark and without kids, celebrating a friend's birthday. Imagine the scene: Prosecco, laughter and conversation...until I suddenly announce, “TRAIN!!” in an extremely excitable and rather loud voice - I'd seen one pass along a bridge over the Thames.

The group suddenly became silent - before erupting in laughter. “Typical mum of boys,” one person said; “Abi, you actually sound like you are excited!” said another.

Let me give you a glimpse into my daily life...

Since being on maternity leave with my second child, I'm enjoying West Ealing train station.

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I walk there almost every day with the boys. We watch the trains from the bridge as they pass underneath us.

Fast trains, slow trains, noisy trains, quiet trains, diesel trains, electric trains, airport trains, Paddington trains, cargo trains...and best of all, trains with cars on!

My two year old has had this obsession for a while and I am loving every minute of it.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a train driver when I grew up. I even had a train simulator game on a floppy disc for my computer!

My husband is the biggest Crossrail geek I know. He likes to drop it into conversation daily!

But it's not just about trains...

I never realised how much an excitable toddler, waiting for daddy at commuter time, would open the door to so many conversations with people in our surrounding neighbourhood.

• Many people have asked if I'd like a hand carrying my pram down the steps to get on the train.
• The man who works at the station gives me a polite nod and waves at us most days.
• I've had the opportunity in the last month to meet other mums of boys who live on my road - we find ourselves talking about the trains and the best viewing spots (Waitrose car park Crossrail access gate being a favourite).

Through these conversations, I've loved inviting these families into my home for a parent and toddler group.

I'll summarise my ramblings in 5 easy steps...

1. Enjoy the simple things - In this case, trains have led to friendships being formed and community being built.

2. Love being local - Enjoy your surroundings, the people around you and what Ealing has to offer.

3. Talk to your neighbours! Or at least start with a smile and see where it leads.

4. Invite people into your home - Make the first move.

5. Make new friendships - Everyone loves a new friend.

WHAT A MISSING CHILD REVEALS TO EALING PARENTS

APPEAL TO FIND MISSING BOY, AGED 12

The authorities in Jerusalem are appealing for the public's help in locating a missing boy from Nazareth (GALILEE).

Jesus Barjoseph, 12, was last seen near the Susa Gate five days ago. We are concerned for his welfare.

Jesus - described as a serious boy and mature for his age - is olive-skinned, 4' 8" tall, and of slim to medium build with shoulder-length black hair.

He is understood to be wearing a brown and tan tunic and black sandles, carrying a small satchel.

Jesus is familiar with the area around the Temple Mount and the Mount of Olives.

His mother, Mary, says, "Jesus, if you read this, please contact us. We are not angry with you, just very anxious."

Jesus also goes by the name 'Son of Man'.

It's scary just how many children go missing each day in the UK alone. MissingKids tells us that a child goes missing every three minutes.

In a country where child abduction and abuse is regularly reported, and Ealing we know is no exception, I can only try to imagine what the parents go through.

My son is now in his 20s. At the time of writing one of his close friends from South Ealing is missing. Last weekend they made plans to meet midweek, but by then he was the subject of a Met Police alert.

His mum and his friends are left in the limbo of anxiety until more news is known.

The emotions of the last few days made the account of Jesus going missing at the age of 12 that much more heart breaking.

Jesus' family

We don't know much about Jesus' childhood. We know he was entrusted to two devout, loving parents. They weren't a wealthy family (the offering sacrificed at his purification rites, 2 doves, was that allowed for those who couldn't afford a lamb). His father, Joseph, was a carpenter, providing for several children. We presume he died before Jesus started his ministry as an adult, as he doesn't get a mention in any of the biographies of Jesus after the 12 year-old Jesus is found.

Luke, the author of one of these biographies, tells us that Jesus' parents had taken him to Jerusalem for the festival of the Passover for the first time at the age of 12.  It was an annual trip for them, but this time they took their eldest son. The trip was shared with friends, and the journey back home was planned with the same group.

The journey lasted five days:

1. Mary and Joseph started out back home, confident that Jesus was with their party.  One day out from Jerusalem, they realised he wasn't with the group. Their child had been missing a whole day.
2. They headed back, puzzled, anxious, (more likely distraught) and perhaps a little angry at themselves.
3. Mary and Joseph started searching.
4. And searching.
5. After three days searching they found him. In the temple courts. He was calmly in discussion with the teachers there!

(I know what I would have said to those teachers had I been Joseph.)

Jesus was fine, "safe in his Father's house."

It may make sense to us thanks to thousands of years of hindsight, but Mary and Joseph were confused and upset. And what was Jesus' explanation? "Didn't you know I'd be about my Father's business?" Mary and Joseph didn't understand, and took him back home.

Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart. And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favour with God and man.

I take two lessons away from this account from Luke.

First, God's universal plan asked for his son, Jesus, to lead a typical human life, full of the normal milestones for boys in that society.  This is why it's easy to connect with Jesus; he's been where we are.

However, his priorities were a little different from his peers.  He gave first place to 'his Father's business'.

I have to ask myself, is that the way we live? Do we model that approach to day to day living for our children to follow?

Second, his parents deserve full credit for raising the Messiah as their son.  If this account is anything to go by, it wasn't always easy.

What have you learned?

What would be your biggest parenting lessons? Why not email them in to blog@redeemerlondon.org so we can compile them into a future post?

TWO LESSONS FROM SURVIVING THROUGH HELL

On a very cold Saturday in January I ran a 10mile off-road race called HellRunner. The course took us up and down steep slopes, across sand, through bogs, and into several streams and rivers - one so deep that I could not touch the bottom and had to swim!

At the end of the course I was soaked, filthy, frozen and my knee was bleeding where I had fallen.

I found myself asking why I'd signed up - and even paid for the privilege...well:

• I got a T-shirt

• I received a medal

• I am middle aged and need to prove I can still do these things

• I had a laugh with the three other team members

• I made memories I will never forget

My hell running was a choice. Yours might not be.

Maybe your 2016 has not started well. Perhaps your health has taken a turn for the worse, your job has suddenly stopped, or a relationship has cruelly ended.

Let me share two lessons I learned from the race:

1 Keep on going

When things get hard it's tempting to give up, but the best runners just keep those legs moving.

Keep on going - you will make it in the end.

2 Share the load

Life - even brutally tough life - is more bearable with friends. You shouldn't struggle alone, and you don't need to struggle alone.

As an Ealing resident I so appreciate the friendship and support that I get from Redeemer that encourages me to keep going.

Why not find someone to share the load with this week? Feel free to show up and share your story on a Sunday morning, or sign up for a Meetup before the signup window closes.

LIVE IN EALING? WATCH OUT FOR THE U AND U!

Ealing must be one of the best places to live in the world.

It’s got everything! Huge parks, diverse and delicious food, and an incredible local community.

But living in Ealing brings two huge challenges.

1 Watch out for the Urgent

It doesn’t take much time living in London before your perception of time changes, does it?

An 8-minute delay on the Heathrow Connect almost breaks the internet, as the whole of Ealing Broadway leaps onto the TfL website to work out if the Central line would be quicker.

Deep down we all know 8 minutes isn’t a big deal, but it is fun to live life at full throttle. The problem is, a fast-paced life comes with a massive challenge.

Lots of stuff turns out to be urgent when you’re living fast.

Without even realising it, we end up on other people’s agendas. Think about it:

• When was the last time you started a Facebook/WhatsApp message, or do you only ever find yourself replying to others?
• When was the last time you decided, entirely off your own back, to go and apply for a job you wanted, or did you feel you had to leave, or got a call from a recruiter?
• How are you doing on those New Year’s resolutions you set less than a month ago?

Urgent things distract us from what’s important in life.

2 Watch out for the Unimportant

Probably worse than what’s urgent though, is what’s unimportant.

Let me unburden myself of the things that have filled my time so far today:

• Checked Facebook
• Watched a viral video of someone singing on the tube
• Played a game on my phone
• Read opinion pieces on the Academy Awards and the Premier League
• Caught up on one and a half episodes of Jessica Jones on Netflix
• Checked Facebook
• Read the Wikipedia pages for every main character in Jessica Jones
• Tried to get a photo of my coffee cup so the background was blurry
• Checked Facebook

I also have important things in my life; holding down a job so I can afford to live in Ealing, doing my household chores, spending time with my wife, having fun with my kids…

Surprisingly enough, the important things would benefit from us saying ‘no,’ to a couple more of those unimportant bullet points.

Let’s actually do it

Reading this could very easily turn into a waste of time, so let’s commit today to not get distracted by what’s urgent or what’s unimportant!

Tweet to your friends to tell them you’re planning on doing what’s important in 2016 by clicking here!

WHAT STARTING A NEW JOB IN LONDON TEACHES US ABOUT BEING A CHRISTIAN

Starting a new job can be intimidating.

After many years being part of the furniture in my previous job, I now find myself surrounded by people who know the environment, and each other, really well.

I've started apologising for having to ask where things are in the kitchen, who has the key to the stationery cupboard, who to ask to get business cards sorted, and what number to call for IT.

I still haven't found the quickest route from the tube station.

And working in London brings its own challenges. My new boss is really busy and expects me to be productive even though I've barely finished my first week.

But I've found the answer.

There's one thing that's going to open up opportunities for success here, and it's disappointingly obvious.

Become friends with people.

I know, that's nothing to do with work, but if I'm surrounded by friends, this intimidating scenario flips on its head.

Suddenly, it's easy to ask questions, because they're my friends, and it's just nice to hang out with friends, isn't it?

In business this is called networking. But people hate that word.

If you hate that word, I'm sorry for what I'm about to say: Jesus wants us to be experts at networking.

Jesus said that the single biggest indicator to the world that we know him is that we're best of friends with one another (John 13:35).

Let me encourage you then to make friends!

Two easy ways to do this:

1. Join a Meetup! This one's a #nobrainer. Click here, and register today.
2. Just ask someone to come over for a meal. Or drinks and snacks. Or go out for a coffee. Or go bowling. Or go watch a film. Or go for a walk. Or whatever.

Want friends? Be friendly. And enjoy yourself doing it!

JOURNEY WITH US

 

Watch our first film - an every day journey leading to more than a destination. Accompanied by a hauntingly beautiful track written and performed by the talented, Yvette. Produced by Redeemer Creative. 

CAROLS COLLATED (SPOT THE CAROL)

These three kings of orient are
unfairly competing with one little drummer boy,
all dashing through the snow for the last boughs of holly
to lay them before the King.
 
Meanwhile, three ships come sailing in
and certain poor shepherds leave their hot chestnuts,
all keen to hail the heaven-born Prince of Peace. 
 
Later, in royal David’s city,
there are ladies leaping, pipers piping
and drummers …
drumming, apparently. 
The restless cattle are lowing big-time;
no wonder the baby’s awake.
 
All have come to proclaim the Messiah’s birth:
a king-of-angels baby who out-shines any wondrous star. 
A child born of Mary on this most holy night;
born to give us second birth. 
This is the Saviour who is Christ the Lord,
come to redeem us all.
 
‘Come – receive – your - king.’
 
Merry Christmas.

COME TO THE TABLE

I love eating meals with friends.  I had the pleasure of sharing food with friends at Osteria Del Portio in Ealing one recent Tuesday at an Alpha night, where friends brought out cake to help me celebrate my birthday.  On the following Friday I shared a Chinese Takeaway with friends in their new home, surrounded with packing boxes, on plastic plates and using plastic cutlery – it was wonderful.  Friends make the meal.

At community group we considered the Last Supper when Jesus shared a Passover meal with his closest friends – not a ritual, but part of our relationship with our Saviour.  Afterwards I re-read the accounts of this meal in Mark 14, Luke 22 and John 13.

Jesus sent Peter and John to prepare a guest room – somewhere out of the way for Jesus and his closest companions to recline at table and enjoy each others company.  To sing, drink and eat; to share each others company before taking a walk together in the olive groves.

What strikes me is the eagerness and sense of urgency in Jesus’ words that evening – he was set on conveying important things to his closest friends while he still had time. What also strikes me is the intimacy Jesus enjoyed with those he loved while a man here on earth.

The key message for me however is Jesus’ anticipation of the Kingdom of God – Jesus’ statement that he would not enjoy a drink of wine again until the Kingdom of God comes.  This is what gives the ‘last supper’ such significance.

And now we get to join the disciples down the ages at the Lords Table, to break bread together, as a community.  We come to celebrate his death and to echo the prayer He taught us, ‘Thy Kingdom Come’.  It’s a wonderful opportunity to commune together and to commune with Jesus.  I invite you to join us. 

Come to the Table

Come, we have a guest room
where you can recline with your servant king.
He will bathe your sore, dusty feet;
and you can rest.

Come, commune; join his other friends
and together give thanks, sing hymns
and toast the coming Kingdom.

Come to the table with honest hearts.
Come and find mercy, 
find forgiveness and new purpose.

Come, celebrate the covenant
that confers on us a Kingdom,
bought by the blood
of the one who came to serve.

Do this in remembrance. 
Do this with eagerness. 
And when you pray say, 
‘Thy Kingdom Come’.

DIRECTIONS TO REDEEMER

Here’s everything you need to know about finding our Sunday venue Ealing Town Hall…

Nearest Tube Station Ealing Broadway
Turn left at the top of the stairs out of the tube exit and walk down the hill towards the Uxbridge Road. Cross over the road and walk up the main high street on the right-hand side of the road. keep going for 5 mins & you’ll eventually see the Town Hall appearing on the horizon (don’t worry it’s not that far… 5 min walk at the most!). Once at Ealing Town Hall look for our signs and the friendly faces on the door.

Bus Routes
Buses that run right by the town hall are… 83 65 207 427 607 E8 E11 E7… all stop directly outside Ealing Town Hall.

Traveling by car
There’s a car park behind the Town Hall next to Perceval House which costs £2. That’s for the whole day, so you could go to one of Ealing’s great restaurants or shops after the meeting if you fancied it. There’s also free parking on the residential streets behind the Town Hall (Gordon Rd) and on the Uxbridge Road. Just be sure to check the parking restrictions since each street can be slightly different.

Address
Ealing Town Hall, 
New Broadway, 
Ealing, 
London, 
W5 2BY