I’ve been thinking about my feelings and emotions quite a lot in the midst of the Covid-19 crisis. It’s something I always try to be mindful of but this pandemic has really heightened the daily process of trying to pinpoint how I feel. Naming my emotions doesn’t always come naturally to me, however grief and anxiety about the future were two things that came to mind, and I’m pretty sure these feelings aren’t unique to me.
Grief is a strong word, but in this time we have all lost much, be it big or small. Not just the obvious loss of life, but I’ve been particularly shaken by the impact this has had on jobs, businesses and people’s livelihoods. I’m also grieving the loss of community; friends who we spend time with regularly, church, family gatherings, coffee dates and people round for dinner in the evenings. I’m grieving the loss of ‘normal’ life and the way it used to look for us.
And then there’s anxiety - an emotion that sadly I’m pretty familiar with and have battled with before - that physical feeling of apprehension about what is to come. When will it end? How many will die? How many will lose their jobs? When will I be able to go to a shop without worrying what I’m touching, or go for a walk in the park without keeping 2 metres away from the person coming the other way? I think it’s the unknown in so many of these things that makes the fear really amplified; it allows the imagination to run wild.
As I pondered these things I felt somewhat guilty for feeling them. Doesn’t God have the answers to all these things? Should I even be feeling this? I was almost immediately reminded of two instances in Jesus’ life where he experienced these similar emotions.
The first was Jesus’ expression of grief after Lazarus died in John 11:35 where ‘Jesus wept.’ He shares in the grief of Lazarus’ friends and family even though he knows that moments later he will raise Lazarus from the dead. He doesn’t deny the emotion of that moment in spite of this. It is ok that we grieve, and feel sad about what we have lost, even though we trust and hope in what God can do next.
The second instance was Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane where he expresses anguish in anticipation of going to the cross, asking God if there is any other way (Luke 22:39-46). He prays in such earnest that he sweats blood. It is ok that we look ahead in anticipation of the next weeks and months and feel anguish and uncertainty.
In both these situations Jesus expresses strong emotions. But he also follows each with the same response. He goes to the Father in prayer. The first time asking for a miracle for the situation they were in; the second time asking for God’s strength and for his will to be done, returning in prayer several times until he receives what he needs from God. It is ok that we feel emotion but that doesn’t take away from the fact that we should go to God in prayer. And going to God in prayer also doesn’t mean that these emotions will simply vanish immediately. As someone who sees much of life in black and white holding these things in tension isn’t easy for me. I tend to think that I should either feel emotion or pray. I'm learning, as Jesus did, to express what I’m feeling to God in prayer, knowing I can return to him again and again, as many times as I need.
As a Redeemer church family we're going to be ‘meeting’ virtually to pray every Wednesday evening which will serve as a great opportunity for us together to bring everything we’re going through and feeling in this season to God; hope to see you there!
Sarah Montgomery-Taylor
